I am so bitter and angry. It's ridiculous. I am wearing myself out.

I only live in the past and future, and my existence is solely devoted to thinking about what will happen next and thinking about what has happened before. The present is useless because it holds no extension over my senses.

Everything is my own fault.

I swear I'll tear you apart.

Big girl, you are beautiful. *sigh*.

I don't want to feel anything.

I don't like you right now, and I think it's because everytime we've broken up, you make it so apparent, and post so many bulletins begging for girls attention. And yes, it bothers me, because do you really need to know that there are other girls very willing to be on your dick?


We both know they exist, but why do you need the constant reminder?


You're not my sharkbearhippo any more.

Things have been good. The semester at HVCC is ending.

I went to Brian's show Saturday and it was fun. Grace came with me. =]



Oh yeah, if you know me, and refer to me by my MySpace name..you're ridiculous. I am not my MySpace.


I have a name.

I do not consider this poetry. Just nice senteces that mesh well together. Enjoy.



I am a mess, filled with cigarettes. 
A ticking time bomb, if you will.
I am more than you bargained for in any situation.

My nights are spent analyzing every word, every gesture.
I misinterpret and reinterpret to my hearts content.

"Don't let your imagination run wild" is a broken rule in my book.

My modesty is my downfall.
Get some confidence! Get a backbone!

I have dreams and ambitions!

But, I digress, 
I will never succeed because I'm too tied down to this city.
This dead end street.

You gotta help me out!

I rely to much on other people,
but it's hard to rely on yourself when 
there's not much to rely on.

I've never wanted to put a bullet in my brain as bad as I do now.

 My life is falling apart.

So, schools almost over and I'm grateful. I don't think I want to go back next year. I'm looking into the GED program at Hudson Valley, because it'll process you into the college after you get the GED. 


I'm in a constant battle with myself over whether I should take my medication or not. I'm getting moody, and I haven't been taking them on the weekends. I dunno. I just wanna stay stable because I don't want to lose the person I love over something stupid.


I've been with Brian for almost 5 months, or almost 6 if you count unofficially. :]].


He makes me...really happy.

" Well the future's got me worried such awful thoughts
My head's a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops
I just want someone to walk in front
And I'll follow the leader
Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush
Started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs
I almost forgot who I was
But came to my senses

Now I'm trying to be assertive, I'm making plans
Want to rise to the occasion, yeah meet all their demands
But all I do is just lay in bed
And hide under the covers

Yeah I know I should be brave
But I'm just too afraid of all this change

And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt
I keep making this to-do list but nothing gets crossed out
Working on the record seems pointless now
When the world ends who's gonna hear it?

But I'm trying to take some comfort in written words
Yeah Tim, I heard your album and it's better than good
When you get off tour I think we should
Hang and black out together

Cause I've been feeling sentimental for days gone by
All those summers singing, drinking, my friend, wasting our time
Remember all those songs and the way we smiled
In those basements made of music?

But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all
I'm not as strong as I thought

So when I'm lost in a crowd, I hope that you'll pick me out
I long to be found, the grass grew high, I laid down
Now I'll wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand
I've been laying so long, don't wanna lay here no more
Don't wanna lay here no more, don't wanna lay here no more

Everything that happens is supposed to be
And it's all pre-determined, can't change your destiny
Guess I'll just keep moving, someday maybe
I'll get to where I'm going "

 I wish words came easy like my emotions do. Maybe then I'd be able to write this entry. 

I'm so scared and anxious, but so happy at the same time.I blame myself for everything which can't, err, isn't healthy. At all. I wish I wasn't so goddamned insecure.


But, to be quite honest, I'm happier than I have been in a very VERY long time. Thanks to a certain someone.


I can't think of anything relevant enough to type.



P.S.

I love you.

 I think too much and I do too little.

Dear you , I am completley and utterly in love with you.

Love, me.

 I am so sick of dumb bitches starting shit. Seriously, shut your fucking mouth, you manipulative cunt. 'Kaythanksss.

 Oh..my...goodness.



That is all.

 Things have been going so much better. I wish I had the urge to actually update. I'm going to Albany later to hangout with Brian. Hopefully I won't bore him.

 I love Brian, for'realzies.